Do what is strictly in your best interests. In divorce the retirement in your name should be yours. What is the law in your state? Please do not give a millimeter on your retirement. I do understand that you have to do certain contortions to try to work through things. However, those should only be done while firmly holding to what you need for you. It is you who will have the children and have to provide for you and them. Take care of you. He has taken enough from you. The utter injustice is unbearable. But being on the other side of this is worth the agonizing hell I had to endure to get out. Getting you and your kids out of this toxic environment and away from a massively toxic person- you can't imagine how great it is! His emotional control and manipulation: All of this process if gut wrenching and can't be separated from the emotional agony. Try to manage well your communication and interaction with him to minimize how he is continually blasting you. Keep solid boundaries and protect yourself. Hang in there. One step at a time until you reach the finish line. Draw a line and belly crawl and claw your way to it. Then move the line a little further. You are going to manage each day, get up, do it again and finish this.