It was another way to devalue me.
Sex with my ex.
I know- it rhymes. But this was during the marriage. Sex did not happed after I got away from him. And the percentage of “the act” per time married is very low.
The entirety of the subject is much more complex. I didn’t see through his schemes at the time. I can look at it now and see how I felt. I was alone and isolated, by his design. Who would I talk to? Getting the truth out and into the light of day could have helped me. But since I was surrounded by Christians, they pushed me back towards my toxic husband and into the abuse. I was essentially drowning. They caused immeasurable destruction and pain.
It is difficult to comprehend the sadistic nature of a person in your own house.
The rule is: It is extremely difficult to see clearly or understand what the behaviors are when you are in relational proximity to a person. I call it the force field. You are pulled into the gravity of it.
That the person that convinced you they cared so much- could take great pleasure in hurting you, is too difficult to comprehend. He promised to love and cherish me. It was not easy for me to trust. I opened myself, heart and soul, in the most vulnerable and intimate ways. It is dangerous to let someone in, who’s real pleasure is the satisfaction of your pain. For weak and feeble people, control and manipulation are their fuel and power.
Sex was not love or connection; intimacy or bonding; sharing or fun. I was an object for him to use. I had no value except how I could benefit him. It may have bonded me to him, but with him there was no emotional connection- zero. I felt the yo-yo effect within a wide range of his behavior. He would pull me in, then abandon. When I was hurt and distant, pull me in. When I wished for warmth and affection, he would disengage and push me away. Taking away and withholding love, approval, warmth and sex is the game that takes you down psychologically. It makes you self focus and accept blame. Your mind can’t comprehend why he no longer loves you or wants you. And you want it all to go back to what you thought it should be. At the time I felt bad, but couldn’t see through the fog. I felt emotions that had no outlet. Emotions were lost, floating…