I am tripping on some of this. I hear you, that this is your value. Many of us are already under a crush of so much guilt and shame because of the destructive behavior of toxic partners /spouses. As you say, it depends on the spouse and also multiples of layers of circumstances.

"Deceiving, vows and red flags": If I were to calculate deception, lies, "monogamy" and red flags, my ex would be quickly disqualified on multiple technicalities. But being caught up in the fog of his chaos, I was not in a position of strength to be calling out his crimes (especially when counselors were supporting him- adding to the gaslighting and trauma).

I didn't "cheat", but he weaponized, withheld and used sex to harm and control. I was not permitted to say the word divorce, knew for certain that I had no space to "cheat" or ask for "permission" to do so. But I had no warmth, affection or love.

"Do something about it. "...that repsects your partner": I tried for years to do many things about it. When I finally shifted everything to get away from him, he escalated and we feared for our lives. We had to leave the house and had no place to live. He knew he was losing control of me before I could get out. He escalated his behavior, brandished weapons and we lived in fear.

"respecting my partner": ah NO! He killed all respect. Why would we play be the "rules" and honor a vow when they already burned it down? The vow was broken by his deception. He broke all of the rules and committed the crimes. The vow was never valued or fulfilled by them when they were toxic and abusive.

"Respect myself": that is what I did by surviving him, though I didn't know that I would survive.

Would I have given nearly everything to have warmth, affection and intimate love? I was starving and dying (losing my life).

Should degrading myself, deceiving, breaking vows and respecting my horrendously toxic spouse have been important?

You make things happen. You worked things out. Good for you?