I have deep compassion for how you are feeling and suffering with blame on yourself. You have always been trying and doing what you thought was best with what you had in the moment. I see how much you are doing that is good and loving. I know it's painful to look at what we could've, should've done. When we've never been encouraged or affirmed, it is difficult to think we have done anything good.
Your sharing these experiences always gives me more clarity about my childhood and also my ex.