I Learned to Chase Love Because I was Empty. Now I Need to Learn to Let Go

My dysfunctional interactions with my uncle reflect my behavior

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I admired and adored him

I am thinking about my uncle and family reunions past. I was always reaching out, warm and caring. I can see that I was drowning in neglect, pain and loneliness, reaching out a hand hoping someone would connect and care. I can see me approaching my uncle at the reunion and other times and places, giving him great hugs and telling him I love him. I don’t think I understood that I was believing my love, goodness and kindness could earn the love I needed.

I was chasing love. And what I never had was emotional connection. Is it true that he is not capable of connection or that he has never been willing? The reality is, this is who he is. But I wanted warmth, love and connection. I wanted time, positive investment, respect and genuine care. At times he could say appropriate words. But not those things that would be a minimum for a relationship.

I was living in a world where absence of affection and emotional connection was “my normal”. And with absence naturally comes very very low expectation. I had no grid of understanding what anything more could be.

Why I continued to talk to my uncle