NO! You are not an idiot. It is normal to feel like one. To feel foolish and "How could I have been so..." I would say because you are loyal and care deeply. It is so difficult to take and honest look at all of the layers and factors. You get worn down. And if only the cultural and societal expectations... There is only enough energy for the next step. Please don't spend it adding to the burden you carry. Other people do a very good job of shoving onto us.