Where is Our Safe Place

harassment, bullying, stalking and the evil of control addiction

Photo by Myles Tan on Unsplash

• *trigger warning: words expressing abuse, killing

At the end of the divorce process, my attorney informed me that my soon to be ex, has the right to live his life without my interference. It seemed halting to me. It seems like a warning with an assumption that I would pursue retaliation.

With the meaning of retaliation being ‘returning like for like’, ‘doing what has been done to me’: If I did that, I would be in jail.

Why did she say that? Is this something divorce attorneys commonly instruct clients? I don’t know if he got the same message. Likely not because his attorney didn’t seem to have a clue about much throughout the process. He has an extremely underpaid legal assistant. I believe she did all of the work and he made the appearances and pocketed the money.

But what about me?

The injustice continues and what recourse do I have? I have been focused on healing and the aftermath of the atomic bomb that left mine and my children's lives devastated. The point of no return was when I saw what could not be unseen. I understood clearly for the first time that he is a malignant narcissist, that his behaviors were intentional, that he was using the helpless, sad victim act to control. I understood fully that he is sadistic. He gains pleasure from hurting me and my children and in seeing our pain. Seeing all of it and the feeling of it washing over me was in itself an acid wash, gutting experience.

It took some time to slow the titanic ship of my life and try to get off of it. It was more like blowing it all up. I knew I couldn’t let him know, but he knew. He saw everything as his, including me. I learned that he had always, only seen me as an object. I knew that he would not tolerate me interfering with what was his.

It has been a few years. I am building a whole new world for myself and would like to forget that he exists. I want him to live his life and leave me alone. But I am forced to realize that for him, control is all he will ever be. For him it is a toxic drug and addiction.

He began ever so gradually, early in the relationship, weaving me into a cocoon of control. Control was maintained with all manner of…