Yep, carrying the load and swimming in hell fire is the cost to get away from from a horrible person. With my current knowledge base I would have lived my life differently (understatement). But it is worth the pain for freedom. Finally, I thought of something encouraging to say: The fresh air you breathe on the other side of this is so delicious. My days are still clouded at times, but everything feels different without something toxic tied to your ankles. The difference is amazing, getting away from him. You will feel it too. You know what, I am happy that you are relieved that I got effed over too. That's why I shared this with you. That is what friends are for. It feels good to know we are not alone. I am a few hours plane ride from you, but it would be so fun to have lunch and / or a drink with you to celebrate our survival success one day. People risk their lives to climb mountains. There will be bad, horrible days that you don't want to exist. But there will be days that you get a fresh breath of oxygen and go at it again. Keep climbing! I am so sad that this is hurting you. But just keep going. I tried so hard to calm myself by trying to think of the process as "business". It is not possible. There is too much emotion behind the dam that just broke.